So what's going on? How you been? Oh wait, hold on. actual Monitor and it kills everything so it's by my fault. Um yeah I thought closing the monitors they didn't want to see chat. um would like fix it but he just kind of broke it.

uh I guess I guess I'll have to keep the demander on. sorry about that. You're all good to go. Um, let's do before we start and we're good.

All right, it's hot in here, it's so it's like sweaty. Oh yeah, you asked me how I've been? Yeah yeah I mean it's pretty good. Actually, it's uh. um I think it's like on the on the way up.

Does that make sense? So yeah I think the direction matters a lot to me and I think especially when I was up and that's really good. Yeah, direction is really important. Um is there something in particular you wanted to talk about today? Um, catching up or what? Yeah, just catching up? Sure, yeah we could. We could kind of start like that and then you could kind of like inquire about like I guess certain things that, um, it's kind of hard to pinpoint like stuff to talk about, right? But I mean there's so much talk about that I guess or not I just will find something for sure.

I I Have a feeling that's going to be the case. Yeah yeah. so um, do you want me to catch you up first? or you want to catch up first? Do you want me to, You want to just catch me up Or you like, yeah, yeah, what do you want to Do yeah, um just have you been what have you been doing overall So I think we last spoke on stream a couple years ago. yeah I know that we you know we've connected here there.

Um so I think since we last spoke, healthy Gamer has grown a lot. Uh, we started off like sort of focusing on trying to just help people on Twitch yeah and I think we sort of quickly realized that like a lot of people out there have problems and we're trying to help a lot of those people. Um so I think maybe a lot of people aren't familiar with this, but we do a lot of like not mainstream stuff, but mainstream on sort of the medical side. So we do a lot of work with the American Psychiatric association, did some stuff with the office of the U.S Surgeon General um have done some stuff with the United Nations so we kind of do all that stuff and then we also uh, basically built up first couple maybe a year and a half two years I was streaming people asked like thousands and thousands of questions.

So for the last like year or two I realized that like I need to answer all those questions. So we started making um, doing more lectures and really explaining mental health topics to people and that seems to be going really well I think We also sort of found that when We were really blowing up on Twitch that we were attracting the wrong kind of people. Yeah, in some ways I can see that um and then we sort of had like an internal like existential crisis about like who do we want to be, do we want to be big and Chase drama or are we okay with our numbers shrinking and staying true to like trying to help people and we ultimately chose the latter. Um, and I think a lot of our numbers and stuff have suffered as a result.

but I think that's okay. Yeah, because then that's not yeah for sure because then if the impact that you want to have, uh, it's I guess a little bit more targeted right? so you're achieving your goal. but um yeah. I think I think the whole like drama audience or like more I guess controversial, uh type thing.

that's I guess it. It would make it harder to navigate with the chat and with the interaction right? because then it's cluttered with a lot of people that aren't there for the right reasons I would I would assume and then it. Yeah, it makes like a non-discussion in chat. That's what I wouldn't be afraid of.

Anyway, yeah and I think that there's a lot of actually value to doing drama stuff. not because it's drama, but because if we sort of think about what are the hardest times in our lives, it's when there's drama in our life. Yeah, and so helping someone navigate through drama I think is actually like a really, really important thing to teach other people. So there's parts of it that were like totally fine with.

but um, you know it was getting to the yeah. it started feeling a little bit ambulance chaser-ish so there's uh, there's a saying in in English that is about like lawyers who chase ambulances. So if you think about like, okay, if there's some kind of accident or injury, where are you gonna find your best clients by chasing an ambulance? Okay, but then what you're also doing is like chasing an ambulance trying to find a client when someone's been hurt. so you know we're back and forth.

Um, we're learning a lot. Growing a lot. Yeah. but overall, oh no, things are good.

Yeah I've Well, so I didn't want to interrupt you I'll watch some clips of you and a lot of times you talk about certain topics even like the simplest phrase you say. sometimes will be the enlightening and I'll take you home. you know, um, sometimes something as simple as you know. Last time when you're talking about like I think it was addiction and he said that, um, it's like um, you know you talk about like the solution and then the problem and then you do something and it was just really impactful I don't it was impactful I I just don't remember the exact quote I'm trying to paraphrase I didn't want to butcher it and like just kind of send it.

but yeah, um yeah I mean I usually don't know I can't recall what I've said. Most of the time people will walk up to me and will say yeah I really like that video about that and I'll be like what I don't remember. oh yeah, it's like the things you do like and then uh, that you're addicted to and you see those things as like a solution. like when you're do you mean to escape whatever right? and that wasn't that.

Resident That resonated a lot with me. Sometimes you say like really short phrases that impact a lot and sometimes you'll hear somebody ramble like me for like an hour and then you've got nothing to take home. Yeah, so that probably means that we've got our shorts. Editors are doing a good job.

Props go to them. Not my rambling. Um yeah, so have you been over the last couple years? Oh, it's been good I think a lot of things have been Rocky I mean everybody knows it's not like I remember to get I I Rarely get like overwhelmed by um, a lot of things I didn't want to distribution like a full-on negative. like like just outpouring of just, um, trauma dumping if that makes sense but um, more.

um, kind of like guidance on I guess dealing with certain things and kind of yeah, just kind of pro. A lot of it is like processing I think I think I process things super well and very fast in certain areas and very slowly in other ones and that becomes like it becomes kind of I get new roadblocks all the time. um I think I think I think Overall, um, the only, the only problem that I the reason why it's getting a problem is that I feel like the Clutter that isn't part of my day. My Dailies is just streaming and doing stuff creatively right and a lot of the problems in the past I've never been really, uh, a stop to that and it just feels like uh, recently, um I'm just less creative.

I'm just kind of like just trying to stay above water, trying to like stay alive and just kind of breathing above water. Does that make sense? And um I feel like it's not. It's not me, it's not who I am you know and it kind of sucks to like see myself uh that way and just gonna just kind of almost like look at myself in the mirror and being like this is not who I am. it's not what I do whatever and I don't know why it's it's still happening like that.

You know it annoys me a lot because it's never been like that and I don't want to become something I don't want to become like, does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, so can I just um, share what I heard you say yeah so I think uh Felix for a long time it's been beautiful to see you thrive. Yeah, um in this this world of streaming where I think you're a misfit in many other parts of the universe yeah sometimes. but I think I think you're at home in a lot of ways I think you've got a lot of really good Creative Energy I think the way that you think I think the way that you're you really speak your mind. um I I mean I know you're really good at OverWatch and stuff in games but I I really like your your commentary sometimes and what I'm hearing is that you're you're not so much thriving so much as you are surviving.

Yeah, and you know it can be hard to live a life where you're just like surviving. Yeah, um and and you It almost feels to me like you've lost a piece of yourself. and I I hope this isn't judgmental. but frankly, dude, like I agree.

like when I I saw you two or three days ago in person and like I was worried about you? Yeah, I was worried about me um and and I I hadn't felt that you know I'm run into a lot of people at events and stuff but like I was just really like uh, you know and and so I'd love to. We can absolutely learn about why creativity is hard, especially for streamers mental clutter because you need a certain amount of like mental space to be be creative. Yeah, um or the other option is that if your creativity involves direct channeling of your internal negative experience, that works too. Yeah, um so I think that's always been my my main Channel um if not my only I think I'm only creative when it's like kind of like almost like a breakthrough if that makes sense.

If it's like a um, okay, it's like a energy transfer, right? We're transferring like anger or whatever into whatever you're doing and then sometimes you feel like you're like back against a wall, right? and instead of like finding out what's in the front, I'll just break whatever's I'll break the wall behind me and then it'll have like breakthroughs like creatively or whatever. Um, and um I think a lot of it is that when however bad or however the things I'm dealing with, however bad it could be I process um, it's the bad of it by just having it out there like a diary. you know? um, maybe I shouldn't do that as often. but I like to just kind of let people learn about what's going on my life in my life right? In a way it feels like um I'm I'm like I'm letting go of it.

That makes sense. Yeah, in recent times I haven't been able to do that. uh, because of this I haven't been able to. No.

I haven't uh because of various reasons and proceedings and whatever. Um, and it feels like I'm sorry. Oh, just just uh, just limitations and and Court proceedings or whatever I just can't Okay a lot of things I I'm I hold back. Uh, okay and it makes like a um like a block right as I I'm trying to be like creative and just kind of let it out and kind of have breakthroughs and sometimes I feel like I can't like that energy doesn't come out as naturally as it used to.

um, okay, just because it's it's hard I like I said the word, process my problems by people knowing stuff. so now that I can't um I didn't know it would be like this, but it's It's like I'm fully blocked right? Okay, and it feels like I can't Channel all my stuff and even if I do, it won't make sense to anybody. Uh, it doesn't make sense to me anyway. Um, and that just leads me directions that um are just gonna stale and that's really bad I always said like if if things are gonna be stale I'm just not gonna do it right.

People always said I was streaming, streaming and money and this and that it's a career I was like if I don't if I don't feel like it's fulfilling and I don't feel like it's it's good I just won't do it and I I always said like if I'm gonna quit one day I'm just gonna quit overnight and you're not gonna see me again right when it stops feeling like it. but that's not how I'm feeling right now. It feels like um I can and I will but it just feels like uh, I'm currently blocked. Okay, what do you think it is? That is what makes it hard for you to access that Creative Energy um what makes it hard to access that energy? It feels like I can't like just gonna like yell and scream about my problems and just kind of let them out and then feel like whatever comes after is like just gonna the the the channeled rage in in a different way because that's kind of how it's always been.

You know, whatever, I'm dealing with it at the time it didn't really matter because like people wouldn't know about it and for them maybe it's a big deal or not, whatever's going, whatever I'm going through or whatever. um which is irrelevant because afterwards then I cannot like Channel all the rage that I have it, whatever and I do that by being creative and it comes out in a product that makes sense to me and that I'm proud of. and these days I feel like I haven't been able to channel that and not on anything that I think is worthwhile. Okay, and that that just kind of sucks.

like I used to be able to look back and be like okay, yeah, like this month or this quarter or this half a year has been kind of bad, but we have some stuff to look to look back at that I enjoyed doing I was like oh, that was really good. that was really good and yeah I'm looking back and I'm like what's behind me? there's just not much. um and it makes me feel like I'm failing myself and I'm feeling everybody in yada yada. So I'm hearing a couple different things.

One is that even when you've been through hard times, you can look back and find a couple of bright points that you can really find to be proud of. So you know times where I guess the rage was channeled properly and it was like, you know, um, and I always thought it was just chat. Basically the way the way I I'll all do things creatively is that it's kind of like an impossible to fail system where like when things get bad right I'll I'll fight it as much as I can and it'll get bad and worse and worse and worse. But it can't get that bad because once it hits rock bottom right? that's when I have a breakthrough all the other time, right? it's at that point I feel like I'm like okay, this is all so bad, let's just go, let's just go crazy and then do something right and I've always been able to cycle out of it and just you know, does that make sense? Like just I have a creative breakthrough and then do good again and then um, gonna get out of that and I feel like I'm like near rock bottom but I'm not having that kind of breakthrough because I'm blocked out of doing it.

Uh, okay. So yeah, what I'm kind of picking up is that you mentioned that you process some things fast and in the past used to process by just sharing. like just kind of letting it all out into the open. Yeah, and that that let's call it a coping mechanism is unavailable to you? Yeah.

so now what's going on is like like Xqc had figured out a strategy of how to process quickly. Yeah, you know, once it's off your mind, then you can kind of focus on doing stuff and even though bad stuff happened, you can kind of process it. go back to a bright point, have some kind of breakthrough, and what I'm really hearing has changed is that you're kind of not allowed to talk about it publicly. Yeah, um, a lot of things.

Some of it's small, some of it big, but it just it just annoys me that um that I can't even if I'm sure there's a world where I I even wouldn't sending the option to do it or having just it's just the freedom, the lack of Freedom even though it's just one part nobody wants to hear about sometimes nobody I guess would care about it right? Well I care about it. Um and it's like a really small blockades that go into bigger ones right? Okay and so yeah, yeah, go ahead. no it's just I just I just feel like I'm I was on like the back foot and it's just not like um, it's not like getting better and also it gives you like an excuse to do bad or do worse and I I end up just falling to the rabbit hole of just um, you know I fall for it I go like oh yeah I'm dealing with stuff so like yeah it's it's I can't do as good as I'm dealing with something you guys don't know about right? But in fact these are just excuses. They really are like uh, in a lot of ways like I I could I I fall into just excuses um and I have like I can make myself feel better but doesn't mean that it is better.

we're just gonna like not have something to blame and I don't like that. you know, does that make sense or not? Yeah, Felix it's I'm hearing a lot of powerlessness. Yeah, that's kind of how it is. Yeah like I Hear that you're not able to bounce back I Hear that you know you're kind of beating yourself up for not being able to bounce back too? Yeah, yeah.

I Think there are some Cycles that are like usually easy to kind of break out of and now they're They're just a bit harder, right? and uh, a bit harder. Yeah, they're just I mean way harder. Yeah, it's like unbreakable. That makes sense.

Yeah, it sounds like it. Man it. I think I think a problem is that it was just too much at once because out of anybody out there um I think I I've dealt with things pretty decently well. uh, over the years.

like when things get harder. um when I had problems especially like OverWatch League days or whatever like I was back against the wall I was like it was a me on my own. whatever and I still I still did pretty good and I'm proud of all these things, right? and I can manage like to be thrown like a bunch of stuff at the same time, right? Uh, like five six but now it's been like like 25 you know? and it's like, you know, you know when you drink alcohol. people say like the body will like, uh, like, um, process like one drink in hours like that, right? Or like get it out.

Um, it feels like the tank is like so full right that it's like going down slowly and it keeps more added on and then and it's like dude, like, we'll never get down. we'll never get to the bottom of this. Does that make sense? Um yeah, you're just too much at once. It was just it's like my whole like my whole world was changing in too many ways for me to process any of it.

Because it's easy when you fight when you have a problem with your system. um to understand like what's failing, how to replace it, how to move on, how to write when it's like only one problem, when there's multiple components that are failing, you start wondering, um, what are the failing Parts um, you don't even know which ones are the failing Parts which one of the good ones and I start to blame myself at that point you know, maybe maybe I'm the problem um and I can't get sick and those Cycles like it was just too much at once I think that that's the way I'm gonna put it. Yeah, well I mean Felix The other thing I'm hearing is that and by the way, do you want me to call you xqc or Felix Felix is good? um I'm also hearing that maybe for the first time in your life you can't count on yourself. Yeah, that sucks yeah I yeah I that's a good way to put it I think I've said that in the past like the in last like months or weeks I've said that Yeah, I've said that.

Um yeah I admitted that for the first time I think to my to my stream last time I think I said that uh um you know I always put all the chips in my favor or on my side because whenever when nobody's there because often oftentimes for most people, um, nobody will be there for them. not family, friends, whatever they'll they will be literally, um by themselves. and when there's a problem, there's something to uh when something happens. Well the only person that's left is them right and you want yourself to be in your own corner.

and I've admitted that like at times um Not only was that not in my corner I was against myself, right? and then like normally I have like self-destructive tendencies that help right? they're kind of. they're kind of helpful because I something good comes out of it right? like a breakthrough and then I felt like I was just living against myself at that point and I was like I'm not even in my own corner so like what? why am I looking elsewhere at other people, it doesn't matter who helps me at that point like I'm I will fail myself regardless and I think getting out of that well I'm doing better with that. but getting out of that was like pretty hard. You know, how are you doing better with that um standing up for myself I think uh, like making a stand and like, um, any transitioning to be like a better overall like adults like doing all the tasks that I have to do and just kind of being just proud to be like at least a somehow functioning adult like I Can Fly by myself I can kind of live by myself um through all the problems and whatever and I think my own battles and I don't need any help and uh I think it's it's helped to see that I can do it.

you know? um because for the longest time you know like um I had somebody to fight my battles with me you know and it kind of felt like in a way when I Go live I had my my own little son or my little Spotlight above my head right like you go live and I have my own little son and chat and everything. all the fun. then all the creative stuff is cool and all. and then when I turn off the Stream well as soon as you go, you go offline.

I mean I'm sure you've seen it. You feel yourself the spotlight is it's completely out instantly. right? Which is fine if you have um, somebody or some people around that can kind of like carry that sunlight for you until you go to bed or whatever. but recently it's been like um Spotlight goes off and it's Darkness you know it's just nothing.

um and I think at first it was like well let's try and I look at all the things to blame and everybody. whatever and every day it just it was just me. um I I I feel like I have to be um, a little bit like stronger and thick accountability for the things that, the problems and the things that uh, that I've done and just kind of like just just gonna level up with myself I think I've never really had a talk with myself uh for a while I have to like I have to level out again. Does that make sense and um I think that's been helping you can I think for a second.

yeah, of course you're what's what? What would you like guidance on? it's helix? um good question. um maybe like finding or finding ways to find um what I actually want and kind of like who I am actually I'm It's not like an identity crisis, but like um what I mean kind of. um in the end like what matters because in fact in a lot of ways I think a lot of things that most people would think do matter for them. um was kind of like taken away from me if that makes sense.

Yeah, I'll take second command some accountability here and there for the mistakes I've done and things that the things I've that I've lost were taken away for myself. But I think a lot of things that people do care about. uh, they're like life goals. whatever.

we're just gonna stripped and it kind of makes you kind of want to give up a little bit. Like on like not one of those things again, right? Like building a home, building a relationship like that. um and it kind of I thought that was kind of a good thing. at one point it's kind of easier to um to just say it.

um yeah, all that like because it was all at once. almost and it was like okay, well all that then and let's just let's go back to just focusing on streaming and just uh, doing this. But yeah, so Felix I Know this may sound weird, but I I really don't know much of what you're talking about. so if you're assuming that I know so I I don't oh yeah, I'm saying anything sometimes.

yeah. I I Actually don't look at drama like I know that when there's drama, like people will talk about it and react and like you know people will post and and Twitter and all that stuff I I Actually don't look at any of that. Yeah so I mean even just given how the size of you and your life I mean some of that stuff LED through and I don't want to ask you anything that will interfere with whatever court but I'd love to hear what you can share about. Just big picture.

like what are we talking about here I think big picture overall. Is that um, um one of the earlier problems um was like I always cared about at least building some some form of like stability at one point or like foundation and for me that was like a home you know, like and I just kind of like like dream of like building a home at one point. um I was like I just wanna I wanna feel at home you know and I kind of Chase that for a while and then I kind of like I bought this house and then started Furnishing it and then people. um look back at that era of that house.

I was like the Golden Arrow of my stream because I I fell home. um and I think after a little bit of time that I lived there. um I I had to leave it. there was too many problems over there.

it was dangerous for me to live there and whatnot. um I left it behind um and then I tried again and again like like two more times to just uh do it again and it was always something that I will like. take it away from me just because I think the nature of what we do and um stream whatever I just the actual nature of it and what it comes with or whatever. uh made it so that I I guess I temporarily can't have that.

you can have a house or houses I Guess having a home is different than having a house. What's what's the difference between a house and a home? Um, it's kind of complicated a little bit. The way that I could describe a home as easy as I can is. um if I'm not feeling good right and I'm as I can close my eyes and I'm where's home And if I I picture home and picture I'm in my home and I feel comfortable now I feel good right? And that was like when I was younger that was like my mom's house and I moved out and um, then it was my other house.

Like okay, that that's home or where things feel like um, I'll be taking care of it. we'll take care I'll take care of myself over there or whatever, right? But now it just kind of feels like um, um yeah I haven't had that like I close my eyes and I see where's the place I feel comfortable and I just don't see it. Um, which sucks. Yeah, I'm hearing that you don't feel safe anywhere.

Yeah, that there's no place that you can count on to be safe. yeah uh, the the next time and commitment. but it just felt like it was kind of like pulled them under my feet. So I mean so many times like you kind of feel like okay, well I just well dude, all that like let's just stop trying.

It's so much energy and so much resources like into doing it that like it's not. It's not like it happens once and then you give up and you're just kind of like bitching out of it, right? It's just it's so often it's like okay, let's focus on other things. let's try to try other shits for just one for a little bit. um because it's just clearly not working um and then just like I feel overall like friends and acquaintances was like just gonna.

A lot of fallouts and a lot of uh I fail anyway like a lot of like betrayals I don't want to be like out here, like swimming like screaming a wolf or whatever like I'm I'm I'm tough to deal with and I don't like water my plants if that makes sense when it comes to friendships. um but sometimes I kind of feel like a little bit like um betrayed for kind of no reason um and then so like friends cannot. yeah I do have better friends now but um kind of like that was out of the way. then I don't have that then.

problems with like I had problems with family at one point which ended up being problems with um with my relation and it was like uh, relation, family, home, friends and everyone was like um, what's left like what what actually is left What people, what people care about in life that that makes them fulfilled. Um that isn't any of those things you know and I have it all at once. So then at one point you don't I I you just got like lacking. Direction can I think for a second? Yeah, Okay, so here's kind of what I'm putting together so your Xqc You're a pretty resilient guy.

You're a streamer. You you work really hard. you're not the best. you may not be the best friend, may not be the easiest person to get along with, you make mistakes, but you tend to bounce back I Think your heart is in the right place.

You try to learn from your mistakes, you grow, you're pretty resilient. you know, really like. At one point a lot of pillars that support you. A lot of pillars that allow you to process fast and bounce back and take that negativity and turn it into creativity started to fall away.

So the simplest thing is that like I can't imagine from a physiologic perspective what this is like. but to like be deprived of your home again and again and again. which is something that I don't think a lot of people like really appreciate and it's not good to compare. But I think that sometimes like you know, we hear about people who lose their homes.

Yeah and then everyone's like wow, that must be terrible and how do you deal with that and stuff like that? What I'm hearing from you is maybe not in the same way, but that you've really lost the safety of your home time and time and time again. and here you are like trying to build a life and then like you kind of get punished for wanting right? So you try to build something and then like it kind of gets taken away and then you're like, well is you put it, you don't want to be a about it right? Yeah, so there's like some amount of self-blame like I'm not gonna let this knock me down I'm gonna be like better I'm not gonna be I'm not gonna bow out I'm gonna try again that gets taken away again and taken away again and taken away again and so your life becomes something where like you want something but every time you want it you get punished for it. Yeah it's like the little meme. maybe you've seen it before.

It's like a little box. It's like this little blob in the Box oh yeah, that's all I get out of it and then okay, well it then I'll go back in yeah right right? So so and and that now you're kind of stuck between like saying okay, well it like I'm I'm done wanting yeah and then it's like okay well like now you know I know there's like some amount of metrics and growth and money and other kinds of like things that you can move towards. But generally speaking I think whether I I mean Some people really chase money or whatever. But generally speaking I think most people like money is a means to an end.

Um, or success is a means to an end. Sometimes success. The what it provides is a sense of confidence, identity, stuff like that. um but I'm really hearing that like several things happened at once like family stuff like relation stuff like um, maybe work related stuff like home stuff and everything kind of got taken away from you.

Yeah, a lot of questions and then huh. a lot of Crossfire as well. sometimes kind of like um, one one piece interacts with the other and then and I lose both or whatever and it's like okay, well that's cool. Now there's problems but like now I lose all of it.

So like it kind of sucks and also you said earlier like you have these pillars that are kind of like falling apart or under your feet or whatever and that I would be okay with that but it wasn't even that is that the pillars that I was standing on um, reverted and start like spearing me. That makes sense like if there was only neutral I had lost then it'd be fun. but if they turn against me. so I think it's a little bit of a deeper experience.

um some sort of like, well, no, not some sort like actual just Betrayal on a lot of ends. Um, at one point you could kind of start thinking you're the problem and maybe there's disability to that. I'm a pro I'm the problem in a lot of ways. Um, and I can recognize that 100 I'm not the easiest easiest person to be friends with I'm not the easiest person to work with I'm not the easiest family member I'm not the best boyfriend.

but um I don't think that these inabilities equate to like what was going on. So I'm hearing and once again, you know I don't We didn't really talk about what's okay and what what's not okay to talk about today. So I'm curious. Are you I don't want you to share anything that will get you in trouble or or anything like that.

But like I mean you're using very powerful imagery, right? That this is not just pillars going away, this is pillars turning into Spears Is there anything that you feel comfortable sharing just so that I can understand? Like what kind of stuff are we talking about And if the answer is no, that's totally fine. No, no, that's good. it's good. Um, like, what do you mean by betrayal like that's a strong word? Yeah, it is.

And I wish I didn't have to I wish it wasn't like that like I I'm like I said earlier I'm not trying to cry wolf. Whatever. But I chose my words very carefully like I I didn't navigate it and just kind of lend it on that word. um yeah like it just feel like sometimes the people that I shared information with the people that I confided with um when when when goes down it just it just feels to me that like it just it's used against me.

So all my weaknesses and all my own abilities are now just ammo. They're just ammo for other people and it makes me feel like I can't share anything with anybody I can't like talk about anything with anybody I feel like it's it's all just Leverage and then um yeah, leverage it sounds like it. yeah it's impossible to trust people. Yeah oh I've had my walls up for a while now.

yeah a lot of walls and no home? Yeah yeah you would think that these are crazy. um yeah. especially uh. sometimes around like money and whatever which I didn't expect was gonna hit me like that because I never cared for money that much.

like it's cool to have it and to get it. Don't get me wrong, like I'm I'm as happy as anybody can be at to in a receive capital but um in a way I think I've always like not really cared enough to like, really spend and really kind of be like that and at one point I kind of felt like um I've said this before but again I felt like everybody around me started caring about it more than I care about it myself and it makes me want to like well I'm not trying to act do some some Joker scheme here but like it makes me want to kind of burn it all. you know like if I have something that I care about to a certain degree or I care about a little bit I guess um once you're past like comfort, you know it's like the upper layers are kind of whatever if you're not because I don't even have time to spend anyway I have to search him all day. Um when everybody around me starts talking about it like so much right then it annoys me because then there's me right here.

everybody's next to me and everybody's looking past me to whatever I have it's like okay, well how do I get the focus back on me I'll just burn it then like that's kind of like logical conclusion. Almost right. Um, sometimes it feels like like I'd have none of the problems I have enough, it wasn't for that. What's it like being looked past I mean can you tell us more about that? Um like this kind of idea of like it's really bad.

like I think it's really bad. Yeah, it's for this I think it's very destructive. Um, it's nothing that I think I think people will have I think I generally feel like you will have doubts about it. That is it Actually like that? you will actually.

And then you can. you can. kind of be a little bit paranoid about it right? um and kind of have ideas that okay these guys are these people are after money. whatever.

um but I think what's was hard to process is that once it was kind of confirmed right. once you get that confirmation oh that that that's difficult because it's like um it makes you feel like invisible right? It makes you feel like I am what I have and for me I've always been like a lot into my I I love what I do and I love like all my interests and I'm all about like just doing and building what what I am and caring a lot about that and having people around me kind of kind of switch a little bit into see me for what I have is like a a tough like um realization. what's tough about it must be like invalidated makes you feel like kind of unheard um it kind of. Yeah it makes you feel kind of alone a lot of times.

um especially as a someone who wasn't really about it for like forever like um you know these are difficult things to explain overall and I'll explain if it was just me and you I explain it like in Little to 80 words. but I'll go beyond to get more context because I know people are watching they'll wonder what I'm talking about. um um well go ahead. yeah let me just so so.

I I get that you're speaking vaguely and and that's well, am I being code uh I I I think you're so it helps me a lot to understand like a detailed scenario and at the same time I'm like noticing that you're being very, very careful. So I don't quite know what you're talking about which is okay, you don't need to share it. Okay, um I I'm gonna I mean if you want to, it would be helpful, but I'm okay. like respecting what I think is that boundary and just moving on to other stuff because I I don't think that I think the impact on you is more important than the details of what happened.

Yeah, I think a lot of is like um um I've said it in the past. um and one of the moments I think the key moments that really hurt me the most I kind of gave me that kind of realization is that um whether I was gonna write or wrong or whether I was being kind of paranoid or not. um as in the past like um I didn't really feel good about like how I was feeling and my health. Overall, not for things nobody knows about any of his people I don't want people to speculate.

um I just didn't feel right and then um I was running my will what uh with my mom and whatever and and then the person I was with I was kind of like I was like yeah I don't I don't feel really good and whatever and then if I if I die if I check out or like I want people to get stuff. um and that person was not on the will and then it was like at a moment where I'm like really vulnerable at my kind of lowest like it's kind of like a oh wow like like I'm I'm kind of I'm so scared I'm running a wheel down. um hearing them just say like Okay then if it happens then what do I get? um it's kind of like wow, uh that's tough. um you know because it makes you feel like even if you were to check out like you, you would still be what you have.

you know? um and I think that was like really impactful. That's kind of where things kind of fell apart all right for uh, thank you for sharing that I think that adds a lot of I mean that that helped me like really like holy man, yeah that's tough like you're I don't even know how old you are but yeah, ain't old yeah and here you are you know, making your will and like you know instead of someone wondering like hey, like why why are you doing this, what's wrong Like how can I help like what the man they're like, what do I get yeah exactly yeah. um and it I I'm not like kind of paraphrasing it was. That's exactly how it was like um like almost like one to one and um after that it kind of um I don't know things kind of start changing a little bit and then yeah and then it just kind of.

It was like more recurring all the time a bunch of times and it just and then it's like the I don't know what's called the the psychological thing where like once you see it, you see it once you know it exists and you see it more often. confirmation bias yeah, um then it's like then I I kind of see it more often in the patterns a little bit. Not that was paranoid I'm not like going full schizo about it, but uh I mean I think it's I think it's reasonable. yeah I I See this a lot with people who are young and successful and um you know I worked with someone who started a company very young and then like sold it at the age of like 26 or something like that and then they were.

You know people started treating them differently. um and you mentioned in some place sometimes that you do contribute to the problems in what way do you think you contribute to some of the problems that you have? Um, because I would like let these people like get away with it if that makes sense. like I kind of like blind I didn't want to believe that that was the world that uh I was going to be living in and then I kind of um kind of let it happen and kind of like let the waves watch over me if that makes sense. Um I was just kind of like there's no way it's gonna, it's kind of like that and I was gonna uh in complete denial for the longest time.

It took me a while to really get that. Um, sometimes even sometimes you can have it as as as boldly as it can be in front of you, right and as easy and right there you still won't really believe it or something you know. um. so if I were to ask, let's say some of your friends who betrayed you or whatever.

do you have a sense of what they would say about how you contribute to problems in relationships? um I doubt they would say you were in denial for having too much faith in them I think um even though I care a lot um I hyper focus on things and a lot of times I neglect people I don't give them the time of day I don't give them time and acknowledgment and like I said earlier I don't water my plants and that was a big problem with my relationships as well. Um, romantically is that I just I was a bad boyfriend I was cold and withdrawn and rarely there. and when I'm there I'm just gonna like my head is like cooked almost you know? So I'm like kind of just being there um, especially with friends or whatever and that that contributes to problems 100 because then make people have ideas about what you, what you think or feel about them and they probably think that you're like almost against them or something like that, right? So in a way I was always kind of passively not doing good to anybody. um, and I would expect the same type of thing in return, right? except um, instead when it was more like betrayal, then it feels like it's more willing, full, uh, hostility.

It's more deliberate than just being passively, not responding somebody or ghosting them or whatever right? I think it's a different level of intensity that kind of raises the bar and I get it. Some people will snap if they're like starved, but I didn't know it'd get that bad and I blame myself for a little bit of it, not all of it. I'm not gonna like full fold on it, but um, yeah so that that's useful to know. So I'm I'm kind of hearing that and and it's interesting use this word cooked I think it's a great oftentimes when I'm done streaming like I just don't have anything left in the tank and I have to like go and recuperate you know, Yeah, and and so I'm kind of around and even to a certain degree, like almost like leeching off of the people around me.

Yeah, you know, because and I just don't have anything left. like to give and participate. but I don't want to be by myself and I'm getting something from that so it can. It can feel very one-sided.

Yeah, um so let me try to stitch some stuff together. Oh actually, one last question. uh, maybe not last, but so uh, Felix a lot of stuff that we're talking about I'm curious like what are you feeling emotionally as we talk about this stuff because like a lot of it's like pretty heavy man. I don't know I don't it just I I think um, the way that I visualize it a lot I'm very visual.

Uh, so I can see most of my thoughts on my Concepts like even though it sounds kind of crazy, but some even like elaborate thoughts that are all words in my head I see as like an image. So kind of the way I can kind of describe to you is that, um, it's not. It's not that it's too hard to deal with because I think the way that I see it in myself is that you know, like, um, you have like a ram in your computer, right? Um, like it's saturated, it's already maxed out. There's always so much in there that's like in my thoughts or whatever.

there's always so it's like already packed right? So whatever comes above it or it'll just replace or it'll but like it I think at one point there's comes to like a maximum amount of things you can care about, right? If you have like 16 problems and you think about you're assistant, but now you think about them. Um, you have to really remind yourself of these problems because you almost forget about me. there's so many of them. Um, and when these things happen at all at the same time? Um yeah, it's heavy, but sometime I could just kind of bury it and just kind of go live and send it, you know.

and then it's like it all becomes gonna right. and the biggest problem, um with that is that I I'll process them kind of passively by just doing stuff, but with just the recent stuff and and whatever and whatever I have to do with it. Um, for the first time in my career if you want to say a career, um I I have my phone um upside. uh upside up like whatever with the like there are some things I have to kind of be receptive of.

and if I get communicated stuff I need to like answer like kind of like now right? So I can't like Escape it entirely I can never like just say okay I'm closing Discord I'm closing Twitter I'm closing uh my text messages and put it on snooze and just I'm gonna go live for like the whole day I have to like constantly constantly just kind of check up on it and that's been like the big roadblock is like just feeling like something is gonna happen. Something's Gonna say something, somebody's gonna do whatever and it's gonna be in that cycle of like reminder that the problems are there I can't even Escape them. Okay, so one, uh, one more question. Um so you mentioned that sometimes you kind of air this stuff out on on stream and stuff and it helps you process.

Have you tried airing it out privately? Um, um yeah. a lot of people know about a lot of stuff I go through yeah yeah and just it doesn't help. uh, it doesn't. It just doesn't like, just flat out, um, it doesn't and sometimes even the solution.

um, don't give me any peace like sometimes the resolutions of these things like you, it's almost like you're kind of chasing it down. It's like you finally get it. It's like okay, well that doesn't feel any better. Okay right? So I'm hearing that that's not helpful.

Have you tried with a professional? Um no. Okay, so Felix here's what I'm kind of. Do you want me to ask you more questions? Do you are you enjoying talking about this? Yeah, Yeah yeah Oh yeah for sure. Yeah, you're all good I like questions I think I think talking about it now.

um I kind of reprocess it because that makes sense I can't just hear myself talk right? I I These are some things that I haven't thought about in a while. It's kind of helpful to just hear myself talk about it. Um yeah yeah. questions.

You can have answers if you have one like on the fly, but um yeah, we can just kind of go. Yeah, just keep asking questions. We'll see what happens. So I'm is it helpful to you that I'm asking questions? Yeah.

I think Okay, you're getting a better grasp of what's up and and you're smart enough to interrupt me and kind of have like a solution when you find one or like something to talk about whenever I think you pick up on those things and that kind of trust the process. So yeah. so I I think I'm at kind of like a pausing point in the process and I'm going to give you a couple of options. Yeah, so the first is that like speaking in the vague ways that you are and I'm not saying that as a criticism I know that you've got good reasons for it.

Yeah, so if we let's like understand something about processing, so talking, saying the words that need to be said is like really important. So whether that's going to the grave of one of your parents who is sexually abusive and like yelling at them and telling them that they're and you hate them, that's different from vaguely telling someone that like you know, my parents did some bad stuff and I'm mad at them like like you have to speak your truth Yeah, so this is where like I can continue asking questions and I think I'm going to get vague answers but I got I felt more goodness hearing about this story about your will than like anything else that you've said. And by goodness I don't mean that it was good I mean that that feels to me like progress in some way. Yeah, so that's the second thing is that I think I've got like two types of solutions that we can talk through.

One is like uh, okay, like how can you as a streamer understand physiologically neuroscientifically, psychologically like what's going on. sort of like this business about always being plugged in and like there's like some stuff around that about really understanding what your life is doing to your person. yeah, stress, like you're getting run ragged, like you're cooked like you're baked, you're finished. like getting overcooked right? And and there's there's stuff where you can say well I have to respond to stuff today and and like begging your pardon Felix no you don't but I totally understand having worked with like hundreds of content creators at this point that everyone feels like they do and and maybe I'm wrong.

but like you know, I I worked with some pretty big people and and I I know I know the feeling yeah but there's some amount of like wrestling with yourself and the second. the second thing and this is kind of where my heart is is like this big question of like what do you want and who are you and how do you live life like what do you what do you look for when when the things that when your support start falling apart or betraying you or whatever like how do you as like a human being in this world figure out what your compass is because what I'm hearing is that there's confusion. There's walls that you've built up to protect yourself that make you isolated. There's one person that you've always been able to count down, count on which is to a certain degree abandoned you, which is you and then like where do you go from here right? And like those are questions where where you know I've helped some people and I think this is like like the conversation I'm having with you I don't think is just about you and it's not about the other people that I've helped.

This is a core problem. A lot of people in life counted on other people got burned by it. and even in the past when you get burned by people that you count on, you can count on yourself. Yeah, but at some point even this cracks and then we don't know what the to count on.

We don't even know what we're supposed to be doing here. You are making all this money and what happens the more money you make, the more invisible you become. Yeah, so now it's like, well, what the Am I supposed to do Yeah, you know. and I'm hearing that you're okay.

like quitting streaming once you feel fulfilled and you're kind of done with it and you're like okay, this is no longer fun for me. You're not really in it for the money or the fame or the power or whatever, right? Maybe some part of you is. But yeah, but I'm not hearing that like you know you're quitting because you're fulfilled. What I'm hearing is that you're struggling to put your life back together and it's like slipping away from you more and more and more.

Yeah, well. I don't mind getting kind of like in a way like everybody knows about me like I'm not gonna hide it. um I thrive in like chaos and kind of Destruction and all these bad things because at one point it's it becomes like an outlet right? Um what? I do anything right and I think it's a very important process and I just feel like I cannot do that right now and that's the problem is that the destruction and all the thing is, that's all like it's been always part of my formula so that makes sense. Um yeah, I do like self-destruction and like self-sabotage or whatever in certain ways and um, most people think these things as like really bad and kind of worrisome and they're like strong words but at the same time they're part of my process.

the part of my formula and it works for me. and I like it and yeah there's like I always say oh yeah there is drama but if if I didn't if I didn't like it I wouldn't be in it a lot of times like I stay close to the fire right I just just this time I just felt like um I kind of failed the fire right I was I was gonna go like this for like years and then I just kind of felt like writing a fire and it's like I like the destruction I don't like the absolute and like Annihilation you know it's like it's like like a tear above it and I didn't think it would go like that I didn't I didn't think so so I Okay, so tell me tell me this. So okay with questions or you want answers? What do you want? What questions is good? Yeah, so how do you thrive in chaos? He looks? Um, this is an analogy that I use sometimes. Um, it's the it's the scratched phone analogy.

You get a new phone right and um, you're really careful not to scratch it right. Oh my. God I can't scratch it. Um, and then once you scratch it, you get really mad at it, right? So you could apply this to analogy to anything like your room or your head or whatever.

And then once I get one scratch on it, then it's all out I don't care anymore and it's like I'll get a thousand scratches on it right because it's damaged and I cannot be uh, I'm not a very good adult enough to maintain intact or J like overall intact things right and it feels like it's easier to thrive and it's all just all out. like if I'm gonna have a little bit of trash on the Underground as well have the whole room full of it. If I if it's gonna be a little bit broken, it's gonna be completely busted, you know? And that's kind of like it became kind of my world of my environment. and anytime I rented like a nice house or something nice or I get something cool.

whatever I hate it because it's not my world I thrive in I Like to? um yeah, like way back when I used to streaming like a garage and a basement and it's like full of trash and it's like this is kind of hard. You know it's easy because it's all I don't feel like I have the responsibility to maintain it and whatever and that's just always been my world and um, that's what. that's why. that's what makes me Thrive Yeah, it's that.

That's the chaos of it. can think for a second. Yeah, of course it's beautiful by the way. Thank you.

So if I'm understanding you Felix yeah it's liberating to have a cracked phone. Oh yeah, Oh yeah, because then it's like it falls into the water jumping on the ground. Hey, it's cracked. Who the kiss? Yeah and it's scuffed anyway.

and if I'm mad at it, if I don't know something's going on I just I could chuck it and I'll be like I could chuck it. it's scuffed yeah I'm like ah dude, that's got how it feels. You know Yeah, it feels good. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

it's Freedom it's it is. It's the feeling that like it's so broken it might get a little bit more broken. but it's not the difference between being intact and a little bit scratched. It's like it's it's a level of like of bad that is controlled.

it'll get bad to a little bit worse. Um and that's gonna. that's like so yeah it is liberating it. It makes you feel like I could do whatever.

Um Felix are you perfectionistic? That's tough. um that term is I would have struggle with it because I wanted to be perfect in my way. not perfect perfect. So I think it has to be done my way and it has been a blockade in a lot of projects I've been doing with other people is that if I can't execute it my way I will never be able to do it for you or for anybody else like it's gonna be really bad and a lot of spawns that I've had or collabs or whatever it's like.

it's just come. it's just complete trash just like I don't know what we're doing because it's not me doing it. Yeah I'm not like the conductor okay that that's helpful to know. and then let me ask you, how good are you at keeping things intact? Oh I'm terrible at it.

Yeah, I'm absolutely horrible at it. When did you? Yeah? go ahead no, no, you're good. No, you're good. Oh I never I just I'm terrible at it I'm I'm skill zero.

When did you? When did you learn that you can't keep things intact? um I was growing up and being messy like it's always been like ADHD Andy and like um doesn't matter I can have my entire head I'll focus on like not dropping this one plate and I'll I will turn and I'll hit on the wall right and at one point I kind of gave up in that part of me that like tries to do that tries to um it was like a complete give up. like it's not like a little bit. it's like now it's okay. Well not only do I know it's going to say broken I'm gonna prepare for Edward and I might just break it ahead of time just to make sure that it's broken ahead of time.

and I'm not gonna be surprised by it, right? and in a lot of ways. I I did that? Um, yeah, um and yeah I I Because because here's what: I'm I was just kind of thinking there for a second and thinking about what kind of person feels Liberation from cracking their phone. The kind of person who's really, really stressed about not cracking it. What kind of person gets really, really, really stressed for cracking their phone? The person who tries really, really hard to not crack their phone and cracks it anyway.

Okay, right. So what I'm hearing is that like success or Perfection is something you've strived for and failed and exactly what you said I mean it was. It was kind of like what I was sort of thinking about and even to the point where like I'm so afraid of crack dropping this. I'm just gonna break it myself.

Yeah, and with people too. Sometimes sometimes you meet somebody that you like or care about and it feels like I'm gonna up at one point or very soon and it makes me want to kind of give up on them already so that they're not disappointed down the line. or I'm not surprised I just throw them away right? How does it feel to say that feels okay? I've been saying to myself for like years like it's I think it's something I do a like all the time like throw people away. um just I know I want people to like water, that plant or maintain it or like I'm not good enough or whatever.

like imposter syndrome a little bit sometimes and it's like especially I think especially with girls. Also when like something you feel like for some reason you feel like you're not good enough for them right? and you know you're gonna up somehow or some some reason down the line and you don't know when or what and you're just like ah, you know what it I'm just gonna ghost them and throw them away and it's like now I know it's done I'm not gonna get sad or annoyed by it when it happens or why or um, the scenario of it. If I throw them away now um and I prevent myself from having something good then I can't break it. Who are you protecting by doing that I think I try to protect myself from disappointments.

What? What disappointment in in what or who? Who are you? What kind of disappointment are you protecting yourself from? um like my future Stuff that makes sense like I think I would rather like be kind of upset I miss an opportunity or I throw somebody away right then then actually fail at one point and be like oh man I failed them and I failed myself and it's like it's kind of harsh like it's sometimes it could and it gets destructive a lot and it's like oh, I can avoid that because um I'm not good enough so it um I'm I'm just gonna go way ahead of the curve and just just ghost them out. yeah I think I did that a lot. Like a lot lot to the point where like I had nothing to maintain like I just threw it all the way. but I'm not saying it's a good thing, it's a good process.

I'm just saying like that's kind of how I proceeded with things right. I mean I I think it's an important realization to recognize that you would rather sabotage things yourself than disappoint yourself or other people. Oh yeah, I've always said and I I don't even I'm not hearing this from you. but I think it's probably true I feel pretty confident that you're also trying to protect the other person.

Yeah, oh 100 yeah for sure. but I'm not gonna be a purist and be like oh yeah I'm doing because I'm so nice to them or whatever. Uh, it's partly uh, because I know they'll be disappointed and I know how they're gonna feel because you've seen it a lot. If you've seen them be disappointed often, you know what's going to happen.

You can almost predict it, right? So yes, I am gonna protect them in a certain way. Um, and Often enough that the people you're also you're also doing something weird. which is that. So it's interesting, right? So I said you're you're trying to protect them too.

And then you said well, yeah. but I'm not gonna like pretend to be a purist and like I'm just doing it for them. Yeah, what do you mean So I mean I think it's kind of interesting because I I don't even I I think you're actively pushing away like a good part of yourself. you can you kind of see what I'm saying like I don't know if this makes sense, but kind of.

So the first thing that you're you're really open to pointing out how you're almost selfish but not but like you Retreat away from being selfless in some way because when I ask you like who are you just and maybe you just really are more focused about not disappointing yourself. But I I think it's kind of weird. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, it's more about myself than them.

it's more about yourself. Yeah, unfortunately. I don't like saying it I mean okay, it's true though. it's more about myself.

Yeah, like I I do care a bit about them and about what's it mean to fall out I guess with how they're going to react or whatever. but that's not really the core Focus it's more like how I'm gonna feel. um if I it up right and how are you gonna feel if you it up um uh, it'll get dark like it'll be like um, super upset Man, it's it's It's kind of like a it's going to be like cowardly at one point because that's how I know that's how you progress right through failure and then understand what happened and whatever and all that, right? But at some point I feel like you failed so often that it's almost like you're predicting it. So it's like you're putting your own failure and it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy or something.

Um, and I know it's a bad pattern, but I'm just saying that that's what I do. How is it cowardly? Because that's not how I don't think that's how you improve as a person. That's not how you grow and get better by predicting you're going to fail and like making sure you fail, but ahead of time. um otherwise I never I would never even try.

but sometimes it's about like the dream of it. Sometimes you're not. You kind of wish that you could have something of value, you know, and kind of go for it anyway. Um, and that's what happens.

what makes that hard for you? Which part? What makes it hard to try for something that's valuable. So you're kind of saying that like you know, the way you're supposed to learn is by giving it, giving it your all and you know, learning from it. but it sounds like you're not really able to do that very easily. so why not? Why can't you do what you know you need to do I don't know, why can't you love Felix um I don't know I think I think in a lot of ways like I know for a fact that there's gonna be stuff that are like I'll